last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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