my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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