is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
