Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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