I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
