one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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