i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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