Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
