I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
