This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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