I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
