I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
