its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
