I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
