where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm really into asian looking animals
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
