I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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