I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
