Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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