so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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