I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
