Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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