i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
