well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
