Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
