There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
