it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
