who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
