u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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