I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
