dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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