I accidentally had phone sex last night
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
