She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
