Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Pooping to opera.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
