that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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