hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
