im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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