I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
