whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I AM VODKA MAN
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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