I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
