my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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