how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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