I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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