i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
