yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
