It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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