I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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