i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not