Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
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he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
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Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?