I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize