I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
