So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
