i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
