I could make wine with my vomit
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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